if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
