I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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