Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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