So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
