Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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