I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
