Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
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