Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
