if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
