Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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