party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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