I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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