I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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