My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
