Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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