My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
