I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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