Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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