i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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