Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
