I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
