She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
