I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
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