We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
