Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
