i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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