: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
