youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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