I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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