decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
