Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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