I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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