My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
