my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
