i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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