I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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