i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
