Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
