we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
