its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
