it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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