You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
