Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I can't put those talents on a resume
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
