i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
