I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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