How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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