If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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