i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
