mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
