you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
